Sisterhood-

 

Daughters, 

I’m still trying to take the swirling thoughts in my head and get them down here, so forgive me if this is less than polished. 

It’s not a surprise when I say that I am grieving not being chosen as a godmother for my first niece. By the time you read this I’m hoping that I’m in a different place with whole thing and that it will be less of a wound; perhaps not even a scar. But more so, I hope by then that my relationship with my brother, your uncle, is better too. In an odd way, this whole thing is forcing me to take a step back and look at who we are as siblings too. Simply put, it’s not the adult relationship I was hoping for or wanting. As kids we were each other’s first playmates and best friends. But slowly, over the years, it has grown off and on complicated. And in so many ways, forced “closeness” between us for my parents sake. Quite often I find myself pretending that I’m okay, but in reality, I feel taken advantage of or mostly in a very one sided relationship. Would it have headed this way between us anyways? Or is this because we’re both married now? 

While I pictured always being the best big sister and sister in law, it just isn’t that way. And I’m losing the better parts of myself trying so hard with them. But I’ve hit a wall even before the godmother role went to her side. It seems that no matter what I do, it’s just not enough. I’m finding that you can’t always trust your feelings, but in this case, my feelings are justified. What our relationship is currently is not lasting. It’s held on by duct tape and hanging in the balance of the next offense, aka godparent role. And before that, it was the move back from Seattle. And before that, their wedding date. 

I keep asking myself, “how did I get here?” I hate disappointing other’s and especially them but I’m ending here and offending anyways. I’m sacrificing truth to make it work and that’s not living. In a weird way, my relationship with my brother feels kind of like infertility, it’s not what I planned for. I’m now being forced to live life as it is, not knowing if my prayers will ever be answered. Becoming a mother isn’t dictated on whether I’m a good person or not. It’s not a chosen thing and this isn’t either. I will always be his sister, but our relationship is out of my hands now.  I can’t force him to change just like I couldn’t force my body to grow a human. This is what I have to tell my brain anyways. Because it feels so personal and I’m constantly asking myself where I went wrong. 

I’m starting to ramble so I’ll end with this, 

You may find yourself in a similar situation, but what I’m hoping is that you two will have a better relationship- period. Please don’t take each other for granted! Sisterhood is such a special thing, don’t squander it. And don’t lose yourselves in trying to remain close. If you both tend to it, it will grow. Always. 

Now onto navigating my new normal, 

Mom