Human Intimacy-

 

Daughters, 

“The story of human intimacy is one of constantly allowing ourselves to see those we love most deeply in a new, more fractured light. Look hard. Risk that.” 

-Cheryl Strayed 

I’m here. Right now. Learning this firsthand, as I drop off the last of the combined six (nanny kids + 2) at preschool. I was hit with a literal wave of emotion after the preschool kids got done with singing a ridiculous song about peanut butter. Emotions that caught me off guard because I thought they wouldn’t come until my official last day of work. Yet, here they are. As I grieve the once was even though it’s what I’m choosing to leave behind. 

It’s odd to be here because it’s unlike most bittersweet moments where they happen and out of my control. While #6 graduating preschool is that very thing, me leaving as her caretaker is in my control. 

Now, here’s proof of how you can grieve even the very things we are choosing to let go of. 

And also how you can grieve the things not said. 

I don’t know what #6 will remember of our time together. She didn’t have as long as her oldest sibling. And yet, I believe that’s what the wave of emotion really means. It’s less about preschool drop off and more about being remembered for all the moments not in the pictures or school journal. 

Perhaps you two will get the privilege to caretake for someone else who you’re not related to like me and understand this very moment. This moment of letting them go and thrive without you being so up and close. 

I’ve realized that you can’t- not get attached when you’re so involved with another human being. And perhaps that’s the grand design. 

It won’t be my job to caretake for their family, but rather, to continue to love them deeply just in a new, more fractured light- 

Mom