Empathy-

 

Daughters, 

The most important “E” word- 

I’m not sure why I haven’t written about empathy until now. I know I’ve grazed by it with other topics, but more importantly, I sure hope I’m modeling it. 

I love what Morgan says above because I’m learning in real time that even though my sensitive and very calculated heart hates when others (especially you two) are hurting, I can’t and shouldn’t try to fix it. And yet I still do sometimes…

But Edith Eger says it best, 

“We are wiser not to try to reason others out of their feelings, or try to cheer them up. It’s better to allow their feelings and keep them company, to say, “tell me more.” 

To be empathetic and supportive, don’t take on other people’s inner life as if it’s your own. That’s just another way of robbing others of their experience- and of keeping them stuck. 

What comes out of you doesn’t make you sick; what stays in there does.” 

So why I am I so afraid of letting you two cry; to feel and experience hurt? I think I have a tendency to want to swoop in because I hate it when I'm hurting and even more so as a mother. 

Just this week in fact, you my oldest daughter, started crying during dance practice after you missed a step in your routine. There’s so many things that went through my mind at that moment and I’m still not sure I handled it all correctly. You have to know that I’m a silent sufferer, which goes against everything Edith stands for, and something I’m actively working on. So seeing you openly weep in front of everyone caught me so off guard because I'm afraid to show that in front of people (and especially in public). The other part that touched me was that you felt so much pressure to be perfect (yes, even in practice). I could tell that you have a tendency to leave no room for error and are especially hard on yourself (because here I am, tending to do the same thing). It’s especially painful seeing you think that perfection is the foundation to live by, but I’m not surprised because I’m most often caught in that trap still. I’m sure I didn’t say all the right things in the car, but I hope I at least made room for mistakes and growth. 

You are the hardest worker I know, so I’m not worried about you messing up because I know you’ll practice harder until you get it right. However, now I’m realizing that I should of just let you feel what you were feeling. Let you say your worst fears and disappointment after Monday’s practice. 

I guess what I’m getting at through this whole empathy thing is, that holding on to feelings (big or small) and keeping them locked in are so much more harmful. There’s room for it all. There’s just my feelings and yours. There’s no right or wrong; just no more reasoning or fixing. 

Just empathy, 

Mom