I will keep this brief because my quote will cover most of what I wanted to say here. Grief. It’s such an intense feeling. One that I have shared here before after your Grandma Sharon’s death, because she’s still a force and missing her is very real. However, the grief I’m sharing now is a different kind. The one that isn’t due to the physical death of a loved one, but the failed relationship that often leads to the same kind of grief. Why does this kind feel less worthy? Why is no one talking about this? Why do some relations simply put, don’t work out; even the ones you share blood with?
Lysa Terkeurst helps us through it by saying,
1. I acknowledge what isn’t.
2. I state out loud what makes me so disappointed and how unfair the whole situation feels. I see it as a good thing to cry out to God. I will get it all out because He can handle my honesty, fear, and utter devastation expressed in its most raw form.
3. I give myself permission to cry as many tears as I need to.
4. I then uninvite the image of the person I’ve held onto. That picture of who I wanted them to be isn’t reality. That picture isn’t reality.
5. I acknowledge the person is unwilling or incapable of what I so very much desire for them and our relationship. But my desire doesn’t line up with their desire. So, it’s not realistic at this time.
6. I release the person to be responsible for their life, just as I’m responsible for my life.
7. I allow myself some time to feel sad and experience the emotions of grief.
8. I say out loud what I’m releasing. Example: “I am choosing to let go of resentment, anger, bitterness, etc.”
9. I say out loud what this will allow me space to receive. Example: “I am choosing to receive joy, hope, a better future, etc.”
10. I commit to setting and maintaining good boundaries for myself.
11. And I will have another funeral about this tomorrow if need be.
She goes on to say,
“We are powerless to stop grief from happening. It will visit us all in various forms and for many different reasons. But the absolute commonality for all grief is the disappointment and pain that accompanies it. We mourn what will not be. We all cause grief. We all carry grief. But the good news is, we don’t have to consumed by our grief. And He provides healing and hope for us all. I ask Him to stand in the gap between where I am and where I long to be. I give Him what I now know won’t be and ask Him to bring His fullness into my emptiness . And I just let it be.”
I am feeling this kind of grief in real time. Learning.
-Learning to accept what is and especially what is not. And what Lysa has taught me most, is that it’s from this place of acceptance that I too can move forward into healing,
Mom
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