Hurting-

 

Daughters, 

“If someone in your life consistently hurts you, ask yourself if you would treat anyone else the way you’re letting yourself be treated. If the answer is no, then to stay in integrity you must start thinking of ways to change the situation. This may take courage, ingenuity, civil disobedience, and time. But to accept your own mistreatment is to participate in a lie.” 

-Martha Beck 

This perhaps is one of the most important things I could discuss with you both here and in real time. It’s also very much related to my previous post and my past in general. Even recently, I have gone through two different circumstances with two different people that hurt me, again. So, trust me I’m still very much in this. 

I believe Martha’s quote said what I have a hard time articulating. I come from a long line of people-pleasing, loyalists and Christians, but what I’m really doing in real time is changing not only my own life but our family tree. What I want for you both instead is: 

You can be “nice” and have boundaries. You can be a Christian and have boundaries. You can be loyal to yourself consistently. What I’m getting at is: 

You do not have to stay in any harmful situations, period. The term “lie in your bed” is such a dangerous adage to live by. You most definitely can leave anytime and anyone. You do not have to “fix” a situation and or person when you are the only one feeling remorse. Saying sorry but not changing behaviors is absolutely worth mentioning too.

Yes, I feel it’s important to communicate, apologize, and learn from and within our relationships; but family, friends or anyone really, is also part of that responsibility. My favorite movie quote from Couple’s Retreat and to live by is “it’s a two way street; not a highway and a bike path.” 

-You are only in charge of you. What I’m finding even now is that I can do the work but I can’t for the other person involved. Sometimes no matter what the other person won’t change. The arguments might, but if the same person is hurting you again, it’s time for boundaries or moving on. I think what is so hard about this though is there is no manual on what that looks like- and that each situation might be different. Sometimes it’s easier to walk away and stay in integrity. What I have experienced though is relationships with family, romantic partners and work makes it extra complicated sometimes. But what I love about Martha’s quote is that she includes that it may take courage, ingenuity, civil disobedience and especially, time. 

Being hurt most definitely is an invitation to heal and take action. Keep coming back to you, and I will too- 

Mom