Vulnerability-

Daughters, 

I feel like vulnerability starts with accountability within. Brene goes on to say, 

“When you hold someone accountable for hurtful behaviors and they feel shame, that’s not the same as shaming someone. I am responsible for holding you accountable in a respectful and productive way. I am not responsible for your emotional reaction to that accountability. Sadly, I’ve also learned that sometimes, even when the pain takes your breath away, you have to let the people you love experience the consequences of their own behavior. That one really hurts.” 

There is so much to unpack here. I’ll start by saying that if you both are holding yourselves accountable (as you should be) then I hope you are holding others to the same standard (as you should be). Growing up I didn’t have any tools to teach me how to hold others accountable for wrong doings in a healthy way. Perhaps just all the wrong ways. Usually meaning the loudest voice (not me) won. Of course, I never struggled holding myself accountable (cue perfectionism). My version of holding someone accountable was well after the “bear had been poked.” Picture a volcano exploding all over a well intended conversation. Lots of sobs and harsh words later. It solved nothing and usually drove wedges for years, but mostly for myself that is. Since then, I’ve done a lot of work on myself through research. Truly within the last four years actually. Some research being productive and healthy like Brene Brown’s work and others like her (I’m a big psychology nerd), faith in prayer and Bible verses, and others not so much, like from having the same arguments and bad feelings with the ones I love most. I’m telling you both this because I hope that it doesn’t take the same hard lessons and truths as it has for me. I hope that you both experience early on what holding yourself and others accountable looks and feels like. You won’t have control over how others take it, but you’ll never regret speaking up, learning, and prioritizing an inner peace when done so in the right way. 

I’ll leave you with this, 

“You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one’s own self.” -Maya Angelou 

PS. I feel like sometimes there will always be that person who plays victim even when all the evidence proves the contrary. In other words, even in the right you can be backed into a corner and made out to be the “bad guy.” Shame and guilt can do that! But what I’ve also learned is just because I was a victim or hurt in the past, doesn’t mean I will be now and in the future. That narrative is something I won’t keep carrying around like a ghost and I won’t excuse others (even ones I love) to stay in that state either. Forgiveness isn’t about forgetting or excusing; rather, to learn, grow, find peace, and to do better going forward-

Mom