Advice-

 Stronger Daughters, 

“Like nothing else, parenthood makes you realize, sharply, that you are now in the position of the advice giver. You are the role model, the example, whether you are ready or worthy or not. It goes without saying that the best example is the example quietly set, but it is not always convenient or realistic, as we are all prone to lapses and embarrassing behavior and tantrums of our own, especially between 4:00 and 6:30 pm. We are not always our best selves. And yet here we are, at the wheel, assigned with the task of shaping a real-life human or humans” -Jason Gay

These quotes split me in two and also give me joy. Odd, I know. But there is a huge privilege in raising little humans, and girls at that. Which is also hugely terrifying! 

When I was younger, I wanted nothing more than to be a mom. Like I’m talking for most of my conscious life. Then I became a mom and I wanted nothing more than to sleep- seriously. Know, that I’m terrible at being alone, but sometimes in the thick of this whole parenting thing, I crave alone time. Like running away for a short period of time but also hoping that you’re not doing anything fun without me and come here quick and let me hold you, don’t ever leave me kind of thing. It’s all so simple and complicated. And perhaps it’s just mostly me making it feel that way. I’m a ball of emotions that is some how left in charge of you two (plus four if we’re talking daytime, and five of you being girls). I am way less worthy of this whole parenting thing, but I want it oh so badly. It isn’t what I thought it would be and I’m learning that it’s okay. Getting pregnant and staying pregnant was way harder than I thought it would be. And then raising you both has been too. Unmet expectations isn’t your fault, they’re mine. I thought because I babysat all of those kids that I would be ready for anything and really good at this whole mom thing. But, it turns out that I was really lucky with behaviors and bedtime routines. And that my experience made me really good at changing diapers but terrible at swaddling and sleep deprivation. Babysitting didn’t prepare me for grade school or bullies or pre-teen emotions. Babysitting didn’t prepare me for tough questions and mean girls, stitches or bad coughs. Babysitting gave me confidence, but nothing can prepare you for your own kids until you’re in it and doing all the life with them. The hard parts especially.

I’m here and with the privilege of giving advice and modeling examples for you. But I’m terrible at handling life that feels hard, falls apart or disappoints. I’m terrible at braiding hair, sewing, and baking from scratch. Which I know doesn’t define feminine qualities. I’m terrible at showing tough love; and I quite often get caught trying to correct but remain the nice one. I’m often thinking of worst case scenarios, which means I’m (most days) convinced you’ll be taken from me tragically at any giving moment. Which I know makes me a bit morbid, but mostly just a scaredy-cat! I’m often giving you my all, while still trying to hold on to a little piece of me. Im often trying to fix your problems, when I know I need to just listen. I’m often wishing to pause time but also enjoying the new stages and ages.

I feel like I went on a bit of a tangent there, but it’s all to say that “worthy or not” I am here. I am here with a childhood, early adulthood and some babysitting under my belt. I’m here as a daughter, sister, wife and mother. I’ve gone through a lot and a little, and whatever I’m not qualified to give advice on- I’ll ask “Alexa” or Google. I’ll love, worry, listen, cry, sometimes curse, talk with my hands, learn and laugh my way through whatever comes your way. I’ll read and research too. But more importantly, while I'm shaping your lives, you’ll be shaping mine. 

And while I hope that I am being a good example for you both; I know that my faults will have their place too, 

Mom