Grief-

Daughters,

This is obviously a very personal post. I usually try and refrain from using names, but in this case, Grandma Sharon Kay is a very important name to drop here. Just today oldest daughter you were crying because you missed her, and you would think after almost six years now that I would be so much better at this whole grief thing. That I would especially know how to answer your cries out for her, but instead I have learned to just let your sadness hang in the air. As a mother I just want to fix it, or better yet, take your grief away all together. Each time you feel her void, I feel her here with us. So I try and help her come to life for you by telling you specifics about who she was and what she liked. I too, had a very special relationship with my own grandma; so in many way these words that I am saying now are coming from a granddaughter's broken heart and not as your mom. Know, that your pain is different though. She is yours-

When Grandma Sharon first passed I felt in many ways very bitter that you and your sister wouldn't get to have all the special memories that your cousins have. In many ways, the moments that I shared with my grandma are what helped keep my heart still pumping after the shock of her passing, and are what I still carry with me now. I struggled knowing that you my oldest daughter were too young to remember the moments that you did share. And also knowing that you my youngest daughter would carry on her name but never meet her at all. Then I listened to this song...

Never be so kind, you forget to be clever

Never be so clever, you forget to be kind

And if I didn't know better

I'd think you were talking to me now

If I didn't know better

I'd think you were still around

What died didn't stay dead

You're alive, you're alive in my head

What died didn't stay dead

You're alive, so alive

Never be so polite, you forget your power

Never wield such power, you forget to be polite

And if I didn't know better

I'd think you were listening to me now

If I didn't know better

I'd think you were still around

What died didn't stay dead

You're alive, you're alive in my head

What died didn't stay dead

You're alive, so alive

The autumn chill that wakes me up

You loved the amber skies so much

Long limbs and frozen swims

You'd always go past where our feet could touch

And I complained the whole way there

The car ride back and up the stairs

I should've asked you questions

I should've asked you how to be

Asked you to write it down for me

Should've kept every grocery store receipt

'Cause every scrap of you would be taken from me

Watched as you signed your name Marjorie

All your closets of backlogged dreams

And how you left them all to me

What died didn't stay dead

You're alive, you're alive in my head

What died didn't stay dead

You're alive, so alive

And if I didn't know better

I'd think you were singing to me now

If I didn't know better

I'd think you were still around

I know better

But I still feel you all around

I know better

But you're still around

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Aaron Brooking Dessner / Taylor A. Swift

It reminded me that even though you don't have the memories that many of your cousins carry, both of you share a very special connection with her. My oldest daughter, you came after she was already diagnosed with cancer. Your birth and first year of life are very much the reason why she hung on for so much longer than her doctors gave her. You were her purpose; which is so very fitting because you are already our rainbow baby. You gave us more time with her. What a gift! And you, my youngest daughter, not only share her middle name, but many of her famous personality traits. You are our life after her death. You brought us some breath, and helped us all live on. Still do!

You see, my daughters,

What died, didn't stay dead. She may not be here physically any more, but she is still very much all around-

Mom

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Grief-

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